anniversary

like i said before I suffer from panic attacks. very rarely is it generalized anxiety attacks. most of the time they are triggered by something. my main triggers: snakes, heights/flying, needles and tornadoes.

not sure how or why any of these came about, but ive had them pretty much all of my life. luckily tho, i havent seen but a couple snakes in real life (other than behind glass at the zoo or the pet store), i steer away from heights, avoid the dr at all possible costs, and hope like hell even tho we are technically in "tornado alley" that they will never cross my path...

i have only flown a couple times in my life, interesting stories there too. :O if it werent for my xanax i never would have made it off the plane without them peelin me off the seat.

I have frequent nightmares about tornadoes. getting picked up by them, losing everything, narrowly missing them. i have had 2 close calls in my life many years ago.

love watching electrical storms. love the sound of rain. storms would make me cautious but never really make me "freak out". but lately seems like the weather is getting crazier and crazier and more unpredictable. which is scary. or terrifyin for someone like me who has panic attacks.

my dr always tells me, "dont sweat it, panic attacks are fueled by adrenaline and adrenaline only lasts 5 minutes. then its over.". Maybe so, but im tellin you, ive had several full blown panic attacks that lasted longer than 5 minutes! 

anyhow, my husband and i went to Branson, MO for our 5 yr anniversary at the end of Feb this year. (why branson? cuz we got a free vacation in exchange for listenin to a time share salespitch :) along with $150 in bass pro gift cards and a free cruise. was it worth it for me to listen it and tour the place for a couple hours? you bet!

so we cruised up the mountains in AR...o yeah, did i mention i was afraid of HEIGHTS??? :O omg i will never be able to drive in the mountains again. it was terrible. beautiful but terrible. i couldnt look anywhere but the road. i was probably doin 10 miles an hour up and down the whole way. i had several panic attacks driving in the mountains. :/ but i couldnt take my xanax cuz i was driving. couldnt let me husband drive cuz he cant drive (adhd, gets tired easy, doesnt follow speed limits, road signs, etc lol)

we stopped and saw things and places, and did whatever seemed interesting. we had no plans. we dug in the dirt at the diamond mine in AR. lol enjoyed it but we didnt get lucky

we decided to go see some caverns. first couple were closed (off season grrr)
we went to one on a lost road. it looked all  run down. but we stopped anyway lol hindsight after the way it looked maybe we shouldnt have. an old abandoned truck sat by the road. a mile and a half broken road that was mostly grown up. it was beautiful once we got to the "office". the office was in front of the mountain and the river ran along the other side of the office. very peaceful but spooky feel.

there was a strange caretaker. kinda gave me a texas chainsaw massacre kinda feeling. lot of old abandoned cars at this place but no other people. this guy said he was the only person around. then he takes us in the cavern which is really cool, but again hes freakin me out. then he sends harley up in a tiny crevice in the cavern and me and him are down below and he says "we might find him a lil ways ahead"...uh WHAT? im just waitin for the rest of the creepy family to pop out of nowhere. my husband finally appears unharmed. o thank god. but were not out yet...theres a dead end. he tells us several stories of creatures and unexplained phenomenon tryin to scare us.

we finally make it out alive tho. but were still not safe in our car and back on the road....ive seen too many scary movies! i know what happens next...just when we think were safe, some axe murderer jumps out, whacks us and then they eat us for dinner and serve it to all the next passersby who are dumb enough to go down that abandoned road...and then they sell our belongings in the shop as souvenirs. yikes!

ok back to reality...lol he really was odd, but we did make it out in 1 piece. place still gives me the creepy crawlies tho.

anyhoo...so we continue on our journey. we ended up stopping at another cavern that afternoon. the brochure was pretty cool. people were nice. they actually closed at 5 and we got there at 5:01 and they still gave us the tour which took over an hour. so kudos to cosmic caverns for bein awesome!

the girl took us in the cavern and told us all about it. the story of the cavern, the stories of each type of growth or minerals, the whole kit n kaboodle. loved this place. even a story of a lil ghost boy that supposedly occupies the cavern. (which ironically, the camera i was using takes awesome pics and i took pics at the first cavern in the dark, and bad lighting. and i took pics at this cavern, and on the side of the cavern where the little boys ghost supposedly is, in every picture i took there was a big blue circle on the pics. those pics were taken before she told us the story and my camera has never done that before or since in any kind of lighting!)

we did more road trippin. saw more things and just took our time gettin where we were goin. when we got to branson, it was 2 days before the season opens, so there wasnt alot to do :/ we still found some places to check out. the weather was nice.

then we had "old timey" pics taken at one of the places on the strip and had loads of fun with that!
after the pics we went next door and my husband got a tattoo in memory of his mother. young guy at the house of ink i believe. he doesnt work fast but hes good. (price was good tho).

after the ink we went to eat and then forgot we didnt have anything to put on the tattoo. it was almost midnight. we went to walgreens. they were closed. we went to walmart. THEY were closed. thats so weird, walmart in our tiny lil town stays open 24 hrs and this is a tourist town and they close at 9 or 10? o well. we went across the street to the Radisson which is where we were stayin.

by the time we got ready for bed it was almost 1. opened the curtains and looked out among the sleeping city. left them open cuz we were on the 4th floor. i turned on the tv to see if there was anything exciting. they were showing a tornado watch/warning box on the screen and cities and counties. i looked all over the map and i hadnt heard of any of these places and were drove all over in the last 2 days even in branson. since i couldnt find anything that was close to us we went to bed. (but i left the tv on)

wasnt even 30 minutes later and my husband SHOT up out of bed and says "WHAT THE SH*T!" what? what? WHAT??? he says, "theres a tornado!" :O WHAT?!?! The power is out in the room and across the town. He shoots over to the window and the tornado is literally right in front of our window tearing up building and power lines.

They come over the loud speaker telling us to get to the lower level immediately. I am totally having a panic attack. im telling my husband to come on, but hes standing at the window enjoying the view! so i leave! i head towards the elevators thinking there will be a stairwell there. WRONG! some lil foreign guy had come out of his room and he was running behind me. i turn to go back to the end of the hall to the stairwell. i cleared 4 levels in less than 30 seconds!

i get to the bottom floor and am still in full blown panic attack mode. the hallway is covered with people in pajamas. everyone, except my husband! im shaking and hyperventilating. i call him and get him, he says hes coming. i wait for what seems like eternity and nothing. i call again, finally were reunited. i was so relieved.

we finally get the go ahead to go back to our rooms. the power is still out in the hotel and actually all of the city that we can see from our room. im NOT ok. we lay back down, but i cant sleep. had been praying the whole time and now still saying praises that were ok.

the next morning, we look out the window and can see the damage from the twister. buildings right by us had the roofs ripped up. the duck buses were overturned. debris everywhere. peoples vehicle next to ours had their window blown out. there were 3 pieces of plywood from a nearby roof laying right around our car. but amazingly not a single scratch.

cant say anything else in town was so lucky. dick clarks was torn up. light poles snapped like twigs. a couple of buildings completely gone as in disappeared. mcdonalds and walmart were both a mess. they had most of the rest of the strip (where we had JUST been not 30 minutes before the tornado) blocked off because the damage was so bad. it was crazy. took our breath away.

we did make it home in one piece. however, because of the little close encounter with the tornado, now EVERY storm that comes sends me into severe panic attack mode! and by golly it does NOT last just 5 minutes! if the storm is here for 2 hours, my attack lasts the whole 2 hours. weve had several storms since we got back that were just electrical storms with some rain but had some winds that were gusting up to 70 mph. and im in FULL FREAK OUT MODE the WHOLE TIME!

so...i think i either need a basement or a tornado shelter...   :/

ok 1 day in

she has only had the new med (periactin i believe it is called) for 1 night...so far no good :(

she still had nightmares last night. the first time we ever knew that she would sleepwalk was probably 5 years ago. even with the sleeping meds she still does that.

we will give this new med some time to work. not sure if its a fast acting thing or if it needs time to build up in the system. but her next check up appt isnt for another month. so we will give it that long, unless the nightmares get worse.

Heartbreaking..

My heart breaks for my 14 yr old daughter. :(   ***by the way, my daughter is open about her situation in case it might help someone else someday)

As a parent we do everything for our kids to raise them right and protect them. I have been through alot in my life from childhood thru adulthood. I have been dealing with my sons bipolar diagnosis since age 5. It has been a very wild ride. For the last couple of years, things have really turned around for my son behaviorally (I will go into that one later). His 180 has been a welcome relief as many times I wasnt sure if either of us would survive. But this isnt about him.

A couple of years ago, my seemingly "normal" daughter started having severe mood swings. Ha well shes a preteen and were thinkin shes about to "become a woman" so that would explain all the ups and downs. I have always been there for my kids and talked to them. Nothing was ever out of the ordinary. Until one day...

Its almost July and i never put 2 and 2 together. My daughter frequently wore long sleeve clothes in warm weather. We would often tell her it was too hot for such but she insisted. Not so out of the ordinary tho because she wears shorts in and goes barefooted in dead winter. But this particular day she was wearing a tank top and shorts and come to talk to me about something and I noticed her arms and I freaked!

First reaction, heart sank, anger, sadness, too many emotions to describe. She had 3 cut marks on her left arm and 3 old cut scars on her right. So apparently this had been happening for a while under my nose and I never knew :/ Her reasons were the inconsistent presence of her biological dad and the bullying from kids at school (some of which referred to her bio dad not having anything to do with her because he doesnt love her, etc)

Needless to say, she ended up having a hospital stay to put her on meds to get her stabilized. She cried, I cried. After a couple weeks and some therapy things were seemingly ok. Then long about September, it was happening again.

Meanwhile we are trying to keep an eagle eye on her every movement to make sure any innocent object doesnt turn into a cutting tool. :/ For quite some time, things seem to be going good. She has frequent random checks of arms, legs, stomach, etc.

She was hospitalized again in April of this year I believe because her meds werent working and she was unstable and hallucinating. No cutting involved. However, she did have what looked like 2 burn marks on her arm right before discharge. After being questioned about them, she said that she was itching in her sleep.
Wow how severe is the itching to rub a hole the size of a quarter in your arm, TWICE? I was concerned and we kept an eye on her. She had no further incidents.

She has been on sleeping medications since last years hospital stay because she has problems sleeping. Problems falling asleep then staying asleep and sometimes nightmares. This last time they lowered her sleeping meds because she was just so groggy all the time during the day.

2 weeks ago she came to me and told me that she had been having nightmares for quite sometime about cutting. The nightmares were so real that she felt like her arms were burning. She said she would be scratching her arm in her sleep because it hurt so bad and when she would wake up they would still be burning. She could feel a wet substance running down her arm in her dreams and right after she woke up. (blood perhaps, altho there wasnt any)

We put her back on her regular sleeping pill does thinking that might help her nightmares, but they continued. So several nights this week, I havent gotten much sleep because I would stand over her for hours and just watch. When shes out, shes a very heavy sleeper. And several times each night I would see her squirm, moan and kick and grab her wrist with the other hand and hold on to it or rub on it. Her brother even witnessed her doing it tonight while she was napping. She had fallen asleep on the couch long before he ever came in the house. But he saw her do it and came to tell me that he believes her and describes the same things I saw.

We had gone to her Dr today and told him what was going on.  I am very worried about her, and she is worried too. It must be very frightening to be having that happen and seem so real. He did put her on some meds for PTSD and nightmares, but he was very dumbfounded and said that in all his years has never heard of a patient having episodes like these.  :/

Anyone out there either have or know of someone who has had similar episodes??? And if so, what helped? 



*heavy heart and worried mom*
God bless

...and now the REST of the story :)

An old Paul Harvey joke. I used to love listenin to his stories...

Continued....

Anyway...so again all the tests and surgery, and while yes they did end up finding something, it wasnt the thing that was causing my issues. But thats ok, that tumor is history.

So basically, my doctor says, you are insulin resistant and should lose weight so you dont someday become diabetic and you should see the GI doctor. Yay

So I did go to the GI doctor. We discussed my symptoms, such as constant acid reflux and the constant tummy issues and bloating. Since my mother had colon cancer a couple years ago, he wanted to automatically do a colonoscopy just to be on the safe side. Plus he wanted to do an endoscopy to get a starting point on how bad my acid reflux was. Not sure if I have ever said...but I dont like drs or NEEDLES! :/

I had been hearing some people talk about some shakes that had helped them lose weight and how great they tasted but I didnt pay much mind. Until the recent drs visits. So I started looking into these shakes. I dont jump into anything lightly. But I had tried everything. Everything over the counter, pills, shakes, diets, HCG, even Adipex. Nothing helped.

I saw some peoples progress in 90 days, the before and after. They were people I knew so I knew these were real results. But it wasnt just them! Then I started finding out about the benefits of these products, especially compared to other products out there! So I decided to try them.

They claim they are "the shakes that taste like cake mix". yeah yeah Ive heard all the hype about products and how great they taste and how well they work before! But I got the shake mix in and so naturally out of curiosity I made a shake that night and OMG it IS great! It really DOES taste like cake mix! (if you mix it in milk). ***Big disclaimer-if you mix it in water (which some people do as a after workout protein shake or because they dont like milk) but it is very bland and ewwy!!!***

So I couldnt wait to start drinking them the next day. I did weigh myself and soon took pics and measurements. I was seeing results immediately. at least a lb a day, sometimes 2. And after only 2 weeks I had lost 16 lbs and a ton of inches. I was feeling great and still loving the shakes. :)

I do like food, and I like the local chinese buffet, so I did cheat alot :( so I must say my results would probably have been alot better had I not cheated and had I exercised. Other than typical farm work, I dont exercise. However, after 1 month I was down 21 lbs. I still say that is pretty good even for cheating! Still got to have my chinese fix and even my occasional coca cola.

Now the part that I am MOST excited about? At a month and a half into the challenge, I was down 26 lbs, 2 pant sizes and a TON of inches everywhere! Wearing clothes I hadnt worn in more than a year. I wasnt bloated all the time, I havent had ANY acid reflux in a month (and I literally had had it for years), I had 2, yes TWO menstrual cycles ON MY OWN! <--Altho I really didnt miss them, the dr said not having them was bad :( lol I have more energy than I have had in as long as I can remember!

I do keep saying ok Im going to get serious and not cheat or have a coke...but...well you know...I am still very pleased with the results so far! And YES I am going to continue on. I still have a long way to go, but its coming right along.

Now I have lots of people joining me on the challenge. And if you refer 3 you can get yours for free. So I get mine for free, so an even better reason to continue on the challenge! :)

Needless to say, I do not need the GI dr for most of the stuff I was going for. Altho yes the colon cancer screening is still in my future.

And YES I will be posting some before and "during" pics (cuz Im not to the "after" yet). REAL PEOPLE! REAL RESULTS!

The products are safe and very nutritious. My whole family is drinking the shakes now. My my husband drinks them to build muscle, my son drinks them to bulk up and build muscle for football season, my daughter drinks them because she doesnt eat many fruits or vegetables, my mother takes the vitamins and drinks the shakes. So they arent kidding when they say they are for Everybody and EVERY BODY!

If you too want more info on the Challenge and joining me, click here.

After I saw how great they were and how well they worked, that is when I jumped on board as a Distributor because it was now something I believed in. I am currently a Director and on my way to Regional Director and getting a new BMW free! ;) woohoo You can earn one too!

So, all in all, everythings good now. Still have occasional IBS when I get nervous :/ but everything else is gone! I have a check up appt with my OB/GYN in mid july. My goal is to hopefully be down another 10-15 lbs before I go back. I want them to go WOW WHAT THE? :)

But for now, I shall continue on my journey. Might even find the old skinny girl thats been hidin in me for years.

...thats all folks! (ok for tonight anyway)  ;)
God bless

By the way

For anyone reading this...

I am a country girl and I am educated...so if somethin is spelled wrong more than likely I did it on purpose. I have a habit of typing my accent. Meanin typin it the way I am sayin it!

Also I have always sucked at creative writing...so I am not trying to be "creative"...this is just me. Just plain

How am I doin?

This is a check in... Last year I went in to the Dr because I had numerous health issues going on. I had gained alot of weight recently. I was tired all the time. I had acid reflux all day everyday. It was so severe it would wake me out of my sleep. :/ I was bloated all the time. Had various aches and pains in my back, stomache, hands joints etc. I hadnt had a menstrual cycle in 9 months. (no I was not pregnant! That was not even a possibility) And so many other miscellaneous symptoms. Was not sure if they were all related or just random.

So I started with my family Dr. All my blood work came back normal. My thyroid checked out ok. My blood Pressure was a little high but Drs make me have panic attacks so it was ok. I was not diabetic. Nothing strange in my labs.

Next stop, oby-gyn for the usual stuff and to have my first mammogram and first pap in over a decade. :O Yeah I know! I had gone in for one when my daughter was born and the Dr made a statement about "precancerous cells" and I chickened out and never went back. That was STUPID!

Breast cancer, cervical cancer and colon cancer run in my family. So i figured we will start here at the girly stuff. The mammogram, altho not as terrible as it had always been described to me, was not fun. Some strange lady grabbin my stuff and man handling it so to speak, was NOT my idea of fun. It didnt take very long thank God. However, then I was told "the Dr wants to do an ultrasound because we see a spot". *GASP* WHA?!

So they do an ultrasound. Im very modest and this was stranger number 2 with their hands all over my boob :O then the tech leaves and im left waiting. No info. :/ After 10 minutes (which seemed like eternity) the Dr and the tech return. What I get is "well this is your first mammogram so we have nothing to compare it to. We think its a lymph node and you should be ok." really?! You "think" and i " should"? Um ok? No not really. That did NOT leave me feeling confident that it was nothing to worry about.

Well whatever. Now im off to have a pap. Yay. I cant wait. Another stranger touchin my junk. Those visits are always awkward. She says everything looks ok. I should have results at the end of the week. The results come back clear. Everything looks good except we dont know why you are not having your period. So they put me on steriods to force a cycle. :/ i finally started after 10 days of the meds. And it hurt! I had terrible cramps. But next month...no period. :(

Still something was wrong! Still crazy symptoms. I had heard a commercial on the radio about ovarian cancer and how it is the most missed cancer because symptoms mimic other things. So naturally i GOOGLED it! :) of course most every dadgum symptom i had was a symptom of ovarian cancer. :O
So I called the Dr back and told her to recheck my junk. Dig a lil deeper (no pun intended). Maybe I am being paranoid, but just check!

So she ordered an ultrasound of my ovaries. More fun stuff. Same tech...now hes seein another side of me (literally!) :/ cuz naturally my ovaries cant cooperate and the cant do a regular ultrasound. During the procedure, the tech is pushin thru to my spine it seems. He says "be right back" AGAIN! So again I wait for eternity...he comes back in with the radiologist. So as he is trying to find something...shes standing behind him with her head cocked sideways lookin at the monitor...I hear him say "uh what now?" and she keeps saying "uh Hmmm" then "mmHmmm" WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN????

So then I am told that they arent seeing my right ovary. :/ huh? So then they decide to do a transvaginal ultrasound....yay me :( So after some more awkward poking and proding by a strange man :/ I finally hear, "we see a cyst on your right ovary that has a shadow on it that concerns us, so we want to schedule you for an abdominal CT".



So now I had to drink two 16 oz barium "smoothies" I believe, for this CT scan. One vanilla and one mocha, which I am not a coffee drinker so mocha wasnt a good choice (the clerk chose it). however even the vanilla one tasted like vanilla flavored glue. That was the NASTIEST stuff ever!
Then to add insult to injury I STILL have to have IV contrast I have triggered panic attacks and needles are one of my triggers.

so many pokes and prods and awkward invasions of my privacy later, we still have gotten nowhere.

I get a call from the Dr the next week telling me that they want to take my ovary out. This small town hospital scares me...so I go to Baylor and find a Dr for a second opinion and maybe to find answers to other stuff the others havent found yet. Found a great one by the way, OB/GYN. Anyways, she does a battery of her own tests: labs, urine, ultrasound, pelvic :/ They were able to tell that the thing on my ovary was most likely a teratoma and that yes it should come out. Well my choice as to whether the cyst/teratoma or the whole ovary. Which listening to the facts, I chose just to rip the whole thing out. It was going to shave almost 45 minutes off the surgery. My kids are grown and I still have another if I am spacey enough to have more kids. (I love the ones I have...but after 2 Bipolar kids...Im good!)

Surgery came in April. She ripped out the whole ovary, everything else looks good and I even got souvenir pictures of my insides! She told me if pathology comes back benign that the teratoma wouldnt be causing my symptoms, so if thats the case we are back to square one. If its malignant, then its extremely possible that it was causing them.

Pathology came back benign! :D

But now Im still back at square one...   :(




-----To Be Continued......